Brooke Stevens
Mrs.Belden
Honors English 1
5 October 2014
Damaged
Jack was any typical 15 year old boy. He was medium height (5’9) with brown hair and brown eyes. He was caring, but shy. He got good grades in school, loved his family, and always did the right thing. There was just one trait that was a little different from the rest. He was born with oral-facial clefts. This is when the structures of an infants lip or mouth area does not completely fuse during development, causing the face to be raised and deformed around the mouth. Of course Jack wasn’t phased by this image because he had dealt with it his whole life. It took some time for people to get used to it, hence why he thought he didn’t have many friends to talk with. Getting ready for school was just like any other. But the actual school days were the hardest days of his life.
He was a sophomore at Red Wing Central High School in a little town in Minnesota. With not a lot of friends, high school was just as everyone described it, the hardest four years of your life. Although, Jack was really smart so he was a real teacher favorite. Unfortunately, he was not a big favorite with the rest of the people at school. A group that he called “the bullies” ran the school. Everyone wanted to be friends with them, but yet they were terrified of them at the same time. Everyone who was anyone was in that group...Jack wasn’t considered anyone by a long stretch. They weren’t all bad though. There was one girl, Molly, who just moved here this year that struck Jack’s eye of not being a typical “bully” member. Jack thought she was gorgeous and extremely nice. With long blonde hair and blue eyes, the group everyone wanted to be in quickly snatched her up. He knew then that he would never have a chance with her and that she would soon change into one of them. Luckily, he was wrong.
Between 1 and 1:15 was the worst part of the day. Its what he dreaded most about coming to school. This is when the bullies pop out of no where and surprise him with pushing and shoving, and sometimes punching. He always just assumed it was to get their anger out. Definitely not to be mean to him, like they have something against him. Today wasn’t any different. They would come out, scare him, and then beat him up until they got bored or the bell rang. This was when they decided to leave him there all battered and such. He would walk to his next class scared and fearful but tried to hold in his feelings so he wouldn’t get made fun of.
It was June 14, Molly’s birthday. The sound of the words happy birthday were echoing around school followed by the words thank you with an appreciative smile. He so desperately wanted to wish her a happy birthday, but he was afraid of the effects that could come of it. Maybe the bullies would pick a second time of the day to pick on him for trying to talk to the new girl in their group. Luckily, he wouldn’t have to go through the trouble because she saw him in the hallway first and came up to him to talk. He thought to himself that she hadn’t gotten the memo about how no one talks to him and if someone ever did they with get this strange disease that the bullies always tell everyone. But she talked to him anyways. It was brief, but it was enough to get him thinking if maybe she could be different than the rest. If she could be the one to finally tell them that what they did to him was hurting him more than they could imagine. But that was too much to hope for. So he made the conversation mean nothing in his head so he wouldn’t get too ahead of himself. Although it might be just what he needs to have hope.
The next day she talked to him again. It became to be a regular thing at 12:00 by the gym. Luckily it was before 1:00 so she wouldn’t have to see him all battered after the bullies got to him. He thought if she talked to him so often at school, maybe they could extend it over the phone. He got her number from a “friend” of his that knew anything and everything you wanted to know about people. He texted her and of course she didn’t recognize the number so she asked who it was. She told him, but he was extremely scared about if she would think he was a creep and would stop talking to him altogether. Fortunately, that wasn’t the case. She texted him back in no time and just said hey! Like nothing was wrong. This had been going on for while. Jack had realized he had developed true feelings for Molly. He needed to tell her but he didn’t know how to. He wanted to at school but he never knew the right time. Mostly because she was always with her group and there was no way that he was going to walk up to all of them at the same time and express his feelings for her. He was also nervous to tell her because he thought of what would happen if he told her and she didn’t love him back. He would lose her forever as a friend. Practically his only friend. He decided the next day he would text her and ask if she could meet him alone in the courtyard of their school.
Jack walked to the courtyard the next day at precisely 11:19, hopeful that she would go through with her words to meet him there alone. That her, so called “friends”, wouldn’t come and destroy his chances of telling her and destroying him. It felt like a year waiting for her to open the doors to the courtyard where he was waiting for her. Little did he know that the bullies were heading from class in his direction at the same time. He suddenly saw the bullies walking across the path towards him. He tried to hide in bushes to make them not see him. It didn’t work. They dragged him out of the bushes, tearing and ripping his clothes to shreds as he brushed up against the thorns. He screamed help because he knew that this time was much different than the times before. They seemed angry as devils and terrify to look straight in the eye. They started doing actions they had never done before. They kicked, punched, pulled, and stretched him until he was barely grasping onto life. Just in the corner of his eye, he saw Molly crying and screaming while she raced over to him. The rest of the bullies tried to fight her off but she broke through and scolded them to leave this instance. They unexpectedly left the scene and went straight off to class.
She fell down on the ground next to him while she poked and screamed at him to wake up and to stay with her. He slowly felt his heart rate slow down almost to a stop until he heard his final words that he would ever hear in his short 15 years of life.
Those words were, I love you jack.
Dear Brooke,
ReplyDeleteThis is an amazing story! I loved it! I really liked the whole conflict in the story. It is an actual problem that could occur in real life. That leads me to my first question about your inspiration for the story, where did the idea come from? It's very clever and well researched when it comes to his facial clefts. Also, I of course loved the ending/climax of the story. So cute! It wasn't like the typical The Fault in Our Stars love story, it was more of a different kind that you wouldn't expect. That's my favorite type to read about(: Another thing that you did great was your vocabulary. Instead of bland, regular vocabulary, you had "Wow words" or in other words, rich vocabulary. I wish I had a vocabulary like that! I think one thing you need to work on is adding more dialogue. Or a couple of quotes here or there. Otherwise, awesome job!
Sincerely,
Elly Suarez
Hey Brooke! Oh my gosh what an intense and unexpected ending!! I love how great you showed the thoughts and feelings of a teenage boy dealing with bullies, even though it wasn't from his perspective. I also love the character Molly in your story! She seems like such a sweet girl and I really wish she existed in real life! Another thing, like I said before, I LOVED YOUR ENDING! It was so unexpected and super intense, making it a fantastic story all the way to the end. What does Molly think of her "friends"? And what is the theme of your story? The only changes I would make would be to add a few commas and maybe change a few words. Other than that, you have a very intense story that I really enjoyed reading! Great job!! Thanks! Maddy A:)
ReplyDeleteHey Brooke! I think that you gave a great detailed description on the characters/setting. This allowed your rising actions to be understood easily. I liked the whole storyline in general, too (even though it was extremely sad). One thing I was curious about was what Jack's life was like at home, like did he have a supportive family? I was also wondering why Molly was a part of the bully group but thought it was wrong to bully Jack? Overall, your story was very well-written but one thing I would suggest is that you describe what Jack's personality is like, maybe shown indirectly through his actions.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading this love story. I fell really bad for Jack, since he gets beat up all the time and no one really likes him. I really liked how you chose to not only let him have a friends, but someone who liked him. You did a really good job of describing Jack and what he looked like. The only suggestion I have is to add a little more detail to your story. Make it easy for people to picture in their heads what you are writing about. Other then that I really liked your story you did a good job!
ReplyDeleteSally S
Hi Brooke! I love your story, its romantic, nice, sad, and emotional. I loved the characterization and the details. I wish I could have kept reading! Great job!
ReplyDeleteI loved your story brooke! I loved all the romance and the emotion and at the same time, its happy! I liked the description, so I could clearly picture is disability. A few things to add, why was Molly a bully, but didn't like to bully? Other than all that, it was a fantastic story. Good job.
ReplyDelete